“I’m doing a lot of introspection. I’m having to face the difficult reality that you, Dane and according to Tyler, just about everyone else sees something in me that I don’t see in myself,” I tell him honestly.
“So, now we just have to help you see that,” he says.
“I somehow have to remove the blinders that I didn’t even know were in place. Is that what tonight’s about?” I ask him. I’m still feeling exposed from breaking. It’s not as bad today and it will probably be better tomorrow, but I’m not sure right now I’m ready for a deep conversation about my lack of ability to see myself accurately.
“Yes and no,” he says, then stands and begins pacing. This is unusual for him. Sebastian is always very confident.
He stops and shoves his hands in his pockets. “I had my own version of a break earlier this week as you know and I’ve been doing my own introspection, as you call it. I think that for me to move past this, I have to do something that is extremely difficult for me.”
“What is that?” I ask, curious about how Sebastian intends to get past his guilt of our interactions and feeling like he’s cheating on his dead mate.
“I think I have to give up control to someone I trust, to you. I have to make myself vulnerable, something I never do,” he says, and I can hear his heart rate increasing. This is very hard for
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him. I stand so we’re facing each other as equals.
“I think this could do two things. First, it will help me to remember that I can’t always have control of everything in my life and as long as I’m with someone I trust, someone like you, that’s okay. And second, it would give you the control that you probably need right now to help you start building yourself back up.”
“You’re giving me control?” I ask, shocked. I don’t know any. Alphas that willingly give up control. It’s part of what makes them good Alphas, controlling every situation that comes at them so they can effectively manage their packs.
“In this room, with you and me, yes, I’m willing to give up control. That is, of course, if you agree with my assessment and are willing to take that control. There’s always the possibility that you might lose some respect for me, but that’s a risk that I‘ m willing to take in order to move past this.”
“Why would I lose respect for you?” I ask him, honestly curious.
“Is it not what you and everyone else expect from me? To always be in control?” he asks. I can see the torment in his eyes. This is as hard for him as my own emotions are for me right now. Seba an is raw and exposed but willing to be push through that unwilling vulnerability to make himself stronger. He may not realize it, but he’s leading through example.
Something deep and instinctual inside me wants to be the one that he is vulnerable with. I want to be the one who sees Sebastian’s soft underbelly, the submission that he never gives to anyone else, but he’s willing to give to me. My wolf stands at attention in my head, almost desperately wanting this from
Sebastian.
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“I don’t know about anyone else, but I know you’re human Sebastian. Yes, you’re a werewolf. Yes, you’re an Alpha, but you‘ re also a man and that makes you just as imperfect as the rest of us. So, no. I won’t lose respect just because you show me the man that you are, Sebastian. There is so much about you that I already respect. I imagine that I will only gain more respect as we work through this,” I tell him.
I watch as he swallows hard. I see the sweat break out on his brow.
“Did you want to start tonight, Sebastian?”
“No. But yes, I would like to start tonight.”
I understand what he means. Just as I don’t want to talk about my insecurities, I know I will have to. He doesn’t want to give up control, but he knows he has to.
I stand up straight and look at him. “Take off your clothes.”
His eyes snap to mine and he holds my gaze before starting to unbutton his shirt.
“Take your time. Don’t rush it,” I say, and begin to walk around him, watching him.
“Do we need a safe word, Sebastian, in case I push you too far?” I ask him.
He shakes his head. “This is about trust and letting go of control. So, I’m trusting you to not push me too far.”
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Chapter 144
