Chapter 95: Asher
It’s almost to in the morning and I haven’t slept.
Te lyng at my old bed, in my old rene, vurmusded by walls that haven’t changed since the last time Eve seen them, Obvinily. There’s a frac celing I used to state at during sleepless nights like this–back when I thought the worst pain was getting quicked out of the Navy because my teams get blows up and I almost did too. When I thought that misting bring in the camps was the worst thing there was
The worst pain is this: wanting someone you can’t have. Needing her. Missing her when she’s still technically in post life but feel a million miles pe
It’s been two weeks since the dinner. Two weeks since Booster, in his usual tactless glory, showed a match is a mom full of gasoline and blew everything
“You’re so mad for her,” he said.
ad for her,”
Right in front of her.
And the thing is he wasn’t wrong.
But I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything. I just stared at my plate like the toward I am while she laughed awkwardly and changed the subject. Then, late, she apologized. Told me she didn’t mean to get in the way of my love life. Told me she hoped the girl I liked wouldn’t be upset with bow mach time (4 been spending with her.
She did what she always does–takes responsibility for things that were never her fault.
And I let her. I let her walk away with that guilt and confusion and didn’t say a fucking word to fix it. I didn’t tell her that she is the girl. That every with her is a test of my control. That I can’t think straight when she’s around, and I can’t fucking breathe when she’s not
I stare at the ceiling now, that old familiar crack splitting across the plaster ke jagged scar. My chest feel tight. My fists curl against the sheet. My skin itches like something imide me is trying to break out.
I miss her.
It’s pathetic how much
Even when she was in the same room as me, avoiding my eyes, barely speaking unless Tyler was there, I still missed her, Missed how she used to look like she was trying to solve a purcle. Missed how her laugh cracked through my chest like a bullet. Missed how she mad to say the most absend things at the most random times and then blink up at me like I was supposed to have the answer
Now the barely says anything.
And I deserve it. I know that.
Tucking She thinks there’s some girl I’m in love with, and she’s trying to be noble and respectful by backing off And I’m just letting her. Because I’m coward. Because if I told her the truth–if I looked her in the eye and said, “You’re the one. It’s always been you“-I don’t know what would happen Delt.
Would she ran
Would she stay?
Would she cry, or setean, or kiss me?
I don’t know.
And that uncertainty is scarter than anything I’ve ever faced in combat.
So now I lie here in the dark, wishing I could tear the silence apart with my bare hands, wishing I could go back to the nights when we will shared a in Because even then, even when she wasn’t talking to me, I could listen.
Chapter 95: Asher
I’d die awake and wait for her breathing to settle late that soh, thatball pattern. I’d start across the non- just pregh *****rberk, the way her falt spilled across the pillow, the outline of her body ander the Markets.
Crepy Hobably
But it was the only time she didic flinch from my seer. The mily time I could be est
Every night, I’d won for
Her voice. So quiet, like a breath. Tat unmistakable.
her without her petreating like I was immehing
I don’t know why she says my name in her sleep. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe she’s dreaming of something horrible and I happen to be the one the striates with safety. Maybe she’s annoyed with me, and I haunt her even when she sleeps. De maybe… maybe it means something.
I used to pretend it didn’t matter. That I was just imagining things. That it was nothing more than sleep–talking.
But I know better.
Because she never says Tyler’s name. Not once.
Tyler sleeps like a corpse. Out cold the second his head hits the pillow. He never hears her. Never notions how the carlate my side of the room in her sleep. Never sees how she pulls the blankets closer around her when I shift beneath mine.
But I noticed. I noticed everything
Now I’m in this bed, in this house, with dozens of miles between us, and I feel like I’m dying.
Is this what withdrawal feels lik
Because that’s what this is
Withdrawal from her laugh. Her smell. The vanilla shampoo she uses. The way her vice goes quiet when she’s teed. The way she sings off–key w making breakfast. The way she looks at me like I’m something dangerous but also something safe.
I want to scream. I want to drive over there and bang on the door until she opens it and then–1 don’t even know what. Fall to my knees? Tell her wrything? Brg?
Hat I won’t.
Because it’s past two in the morning. Because I left so she could home space. Because Tyler’s still inthe picture. Because no matter how much I want her. she’s not mine to want.
I close my eyes and roll to my side, burying my face in the pillow.
But sleep won’t come.
Because I already know what I’ll bear.
That voice
That whisper.
And I’ll wonder, all over again, what it means.
